Boycott just about everything

Boycott just about everything

December 11, 2001

I try to be a socially responsible consumer. I really do. But it is getting much too difficult. Take grocery shopping for example. I’m supposed to boycott Ritz Crackers and Oreo Cookies because their maker, Kraft, is owned by Phillip Morris who employs a scoundrel named Joe Camel. As a result, I’m not supposed to eat Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Anything made by Nestle is off limits too because breast feeding advocates say Nestle is encouraging third-world mothers to bottle feed so Nestle can sell more baby formula. I wish they’d cut it out because I miss my chocolate Crunch bars.

I’m dying of thirst because the American Reform Party urges everyone to boycott Anheuser Busch while Coors is being shunned for being too conservative. I’d drink water but Perrier left a bad taste in someone’s mouth and they too have been blacklisted. I can’t use NutraSweet because its maker is into genetically modified foods nor can I use honey because beekeepers persecute bees. The Humane Farming Association says I’m not supposed to eat veal and I could not buy a Hormel ham for Thanksgiving because Hormel may be engaging in unfair labor practices. I didn’t dare eat my favorite walnut dressing on turkey day because I didn’t know if the walnuts were Diamond or not. Nor could I go to the movies and see the comedy "Shallow Hal" because it is being boycotted by the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance.

The AFL-CIO and Swarthmore College took all the fun out of Christmas shopping. I couldn’t shop in Home Depot because they sell old growth hardwood nor could I go into PetsMart because they might mistreat puppies. I don’t normally buy gold jewelry in Nieman Marcus but now I have a good excuse not too: PETA has gone crazy again because Neiman sells fur and we are punishing South Africa by boycotting gold.

I wanted to buy a Barbie doll for my niece but the modern women’s movement said she was sexist and demeaning to women. I don’t know what a Pokemon is, or what it did, but it sure made somebody mad. Toys R Us is off limits because they sell play guns to kids and I had to tear up my Discover card because its owner, Morgan Stanley Dean Witter, is being boycotted for supporting the Three Gorges Dam in China.

Although I’m an ethical consumer I may be a naked one soon. Leather is out and so is anything made by Nike because they exploit their labor. I can’t shop in a Gap because the owners engaged in clear cutting and for some reason I’m not supposed to wear Guess jeans. I wear Levis anyway, but I’m supposed to send in the label off them and complain about some manufacturing plant in Costa Rica. But the label is the only thing keeping my old Levis together. They sure don’t make them like they used to.

I tried to shop on my computer this Christmas but AOL is being boycotted for showing naughty pictures to kids, Amazon is off limits for enforcing their patent on one-click shopping, and Microsoft is being rebuffed just for being Microsoft. Just as well, I couldn’t ship anything by FedEx because residents in Greensboro, North Carolina put the shipper on a hit list because they don’t want a big hub in their fair city.

I can’t go to Thailand because they engage in sex tourism nor Disneyland because they made the Baptists mad. I won’t be going to North Carolina because they fly the confederate flag and the entire town of Columbus, Ohio, is on the boycott list for being racist. I’m also not supposed to travel to China or Burma but that wasn’t high on my "To Do" list anyway.

I need a new vehicle but Ford supports the whacko environmentalists and Suzuki shores up military dictatorships. Mitsubishi destroys the world’s forests and Chrysler is owned by the Germans. Even if I had a new vehicle I couldn’t get gas because Amoco is tainting the groundwater in Colorado, Shell is laying pipes through Nigeria and Texaco is discharging chemicals in Ecuador.

Now this: I got a letter in the mail today urging me to boycott the boycotters.