Basic rules we've forgotten

Basic rules we've forgotten

November 6, 2001

It's The Pitts
By Lee Pitts

I am reminded on a daily basis that most people in this country have either forgotten or are not paying any attention to the basic rules of our society. If this applies to you I’d like to refresh your memory.

• Slow traffic should drive in the slow lane. That’s why it’s called the SLOW lane.

• When the National An-them is being sung at a ball game please take your hat off your head and place it over your heart. And just because you don’t know the words to the song does not mean it’s time to talk or swill beer.

• Speak softly and carry a big stick. Please note, the rule is NOT speak loudly and carry a small phone. While we’re on the subject of cell phones: Please keep your voice down. If I wanted to know all about your pathetic life I'd get a party line.

• At a four-way stop if two cars arrive at the same time the vehicle to the right has the right of way, not the SUV with the biggest tires.

• Your mother specifically said to wear good underwear when going out in case you got in an accident. She did NOT mean we wanted to see the underwear of teenage boys with baggy pants three sizes too large.

• Remember sidewalks? They are for pedestrians and are not the exclusive domain of skate boarders, bicyclers and panhandlers.

• Dirty words are still dirty. If you use such language please don’t do it in front of my wife. It embarrasses all of us.

• Just say "No" to drugs. Parents, if you find a need to put your own kids on Prozac or Ritalin there is something wrong with you, not them.

• Don’t hit. Even if you think you can get away with it or suspect the other person will get penalized for striking back. Life is not a Monday night NFL game.

• If the sign at the grocery store says a maximum of 15 items they are referring to you too, as hard as that may be to believe.

• Majority rules. This means we don’t have to pander to the whims of a bunch of liberal bed-wetting chuckleheads or constantly apologize to victims rights groups.

• There have been no major rule changes; the magic words are still "please," "thank you" and "excuse me."

• Eat your vegetables and don’t bite the hand that feeds you. This means we shouldn’t be taking away water rights from farmers or ranchers or pass stupid regulations that make their job any harder than it already is.

• If the shoe fits please find its mate and wear it. When I go shoe shopping I don’t want to open forty boxes just to find two shoes that are the same size.

• Gentlemen still open doors for ladies. If you don’t you are either saying she’s not a lady or you are not a gentleman.

• It is still impolite to telephone during dinner. If you are a telemarketer it is impolite to call between the hours of January through December.

• If there are five cars behind you please pull over. Although you may be retired and on permanent vacation in your oversized RV that does not mean the rest of us want to smell your exhaust or travel across country at thirty-five miles per hour.

• You are guaranteed life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in this country. This doesn’t mean you can do anything you want just because you have a high-priced attorney on retainer and good insurance.

• Children are to be seen and not heard. If I am interrupted in mid-sentence one more time by a bratty child I swear I’m going to count to three.

• There are still only Ten Commandments. They have not been amended or revised and God still does not grade on a curve.