Rules of engagement

Rules of engagement

Sept 1, 2001

It's The Pitts
By Lee Pitts

Because my wife and I are known to enjoy perfect bliss as man and wife, people often ask me, "Lee, what’s the secret to a successful marriage?" My answer is simply to refrain from engaging in shared activities that are known to lead directly to divorce court. For example, here are a few rules I try to live by:

1. Never work together. The couple that works together STRAYS apart. It is a proven fact that sorting cattle, fixing fence, buying cattle, and hooking up trailer lights with your spouse can cause a divorce faster than a good-looking secretary.

2. Don’t share personal space. Many modern-day homes feature side-by-side sinks and vanities in the bathroom. No wonder one out of two marriages end in divorce! Couples should not be exposed to all the preparation and props required to make oneself look presentable. The sexes have different bathroom needs in terms of time and cabinet space. Regarding the kitchen; I think one of the reasons for our long marriage is that we’d been married 10 years before I discovered we had one.

3. Avoid renting home videos jointly. Fighting in front of an acne-faced teenage video store manager with purple hair and studded eyelids over whether to rent a chick-flick or Lethal Weapon for the tenth time is not a good way to teach youngsters about the joys of matrimony. It’s best to do without VCRs entirely as arguments over how to program the darn things are the sixth leading cause of divorce in this country.

4. Don’t attend family and class reunions in unison. If I have to tell you why attending a family reunion in tandem is a bad idea you are probably related by blood to your spouse anyway. If you attend your class reunion your cohabitant will meet all your old flames that, until then, existed only in high school yearbooks. Men, all it takes is one high school reunion to get your wife wondering what life might have been like with modern appliances, a steady income and as the wife of her old boyfriend who is now a very successful doctor.

5. Do not wash windows together. You’d think that washing windows with one person on the outside and the other on the inside would work efficiently. It doesn’t. Believe me, the dirt and smudge marks will ALWAYS be on your side.

6. Avoid recreating in pairs. Partners in marriage should not partner in team roping, card games or quilting bees. Whereas women go skiing and golfing to enjoy the beautiful scenery and fresh air, men just want to WIN something This does not make for a healthy relationship. Never work crossword puzzles jointly or take quizzes together in women’s magazines that are titled "How Good A Lover Is Your Spouse?"

7. Shun money matters en masse. If you want your marriage to last longer than the warranty on your new toaster don’t mutually reconcile the checkbook. If you insist on performing this task jointly you’ll end up in tax court, divorce court or therapy.

8. Never vacation collectively. There’s nothing even remotely romantic about your mate with his or her head stuck in a toilet for six nights and seven days on an ocean cruise. Don’t take your spouse to amusement parks either. One little bump from your bumper car just might be enough to push her over the edge and back to her mother. Likewise, a joint bus tour during leaf season could drive a man to drink.

9. Don’t decorate as one. Do you really want to hang wallpaper in the new baby’s room while your pregnant wife is suffering from rampaging hormones?

10. Never shop together. There is nothing more humiliating than waiting in Victoria’s Secret for your wife to come out of the changing room. Conversely, the wife may not enjoy checking out the latest power tools at Sears. Other stores to avoid include greeting card shops, perfume counters and truck dealerships.

If you avoid sharing the preceding experiences with your mate you may actually enjoy what little time you’ll have left to spend with one another.