|
||||
|
August 9, 2001 'Smatter of Fact Parents are letting the highest corporate bidder name their baby. Whispering in the left ear has a more romantic effect than whispering in the right ... and somewhere, there’s a researcher who received a fat grant to prove this oh-so-important factoid. The tawdry Clinton-Lewinksy affair is now the subject of serious academic research. Speaking of Clinton, he’s closed a deal of $10 million for a book that hasn’t been written. Yep. It’s true. We’ve finally gone too far. Consider the following headline: "New York couple taking to Internet auctions to get naming rights for new baby boy." This is food for several thoughts, but mine was: "Good heavens! I haven’t logged onto The Onion, have I?" Nope. Turns out, Jason Black and Frances Schroeder really are bidding out baby — at least, his name. According to the Associated Press, Black and Schroeder are seeking corporations to buy naming rights for their son, and are auctioning this exciting opportunity on E-bay and Yahoo!. Bidding is a snip at a mere $500,000 starting price. The couple plans to use the money for a bigger house and their children’s education. "The exposure that it could bring to a business is exceptionally huge," said Black, who must have never purchased a T-shirt from The Gap or Old Navy. He is apparently unaware that companies know full well we are willing to pay them to advertise their products. Nor have he and Schroeder considered how much good it would really do a company to have some kid running around with its name. A child can only be in one place at a time, while billboards are ubiquitous and television is a world-wide medium. Both are a better bang for the corporate buck. It’s true that the Black-Schroeder scheme is creative financing. Too, given the abundance of weird names parents without corporate backing have stuck their kids with, a handle like Disney or Nabisco probably isn’t going to damage the kid’s ego. We do wonder, however, if the couple might have simply applied the money spent on Internet advertising to the mortgage and college funds. We also wonder how selling a child’s identity to the highest bidder assures that "he’s going to turn out fine." What isn’t any mystery is that, so far as I know, the couple hasn’t had any response to this "exceptionally huge" opportunity. But it’s not just ordinary Joes and Janes who’ve lost touch with reality. Newsweek reports that "Our Monica, Ourselves" is a publishing go. The book is a compilation of serious academic research about Washington’s most infamous intern, including such scintillating topics as "the history of the American fascination with Jewish female sensuality and loudness, which Monica and Monica’s body represent." While it’s a fair comment that Lewinsky was "a figure in a battle that didn’t have a lot to do with her," giving the tabloid-trash aspects of the affair the gloss of serious study is moronic. Clinton’s memoir might at least be worth the paper it’s printed on. Is any of the above indicative of a trend? While I hope not, it does give me the opportunity to revise my American Dream as follows: Someday, the love of my life will propose to me — in the left ear, of course. I will naturally accept. After all, he’ll have a giant grant to study whether or not a tree falling alone in the forest really does make a sound, and I shall have a gazillion-dollar advance for a memoir I will never write. (I can be forgiven, as it’s bound to contain nothing exceptionally revelatory or interesting). It’ll be a match made in heaven! Then, of course, Mr. Perfect and I shall settle down, raising our children — Invesco Field at Mile High, and the twins, Duncan Heinz and Betty Crocker. Ah, bliss! |
||||
|
Copyright © 2001 the Cortez Journal.
All rights reserved. |
