29 kinds of Haha

29 kinds of Haha

July 31, 2001

It's The Pitts
By Lee Pitts

The D.C. bureaucrats faced a dilemma: They wanted to steal the water from farmers and ranchers in southern Oregon and northern California by using the Endangered Species Act as a Trojan Horse to take away their rights, but all they had to work with were two species of round-mouthed suckers (referring to the fish, not the civil servants). Their problem was that a sucker is a garbage fish they’d previously spent millions of dollars trying to kill. So they included the salmon, a much more fan-friendly fish that urbanites like to eat but don’t want harmed in any way.

Surprise, surprise! In glancing over the endangered species list I found no skunks, black widow spiders or rattlesnakes. That’s because it would be a lot harder to take away people’s rights for the benefit of a skunk — or a Southdown sheep or Berkshire hog, for that matter. Better it be something warm and fuzzy like the prairie dog. The prairie dog is actually much more closely related to the rat than a dog but how many sob sisters would protest to make the "prairie rat" an endangered species?

It’s no coincidence that endangered flowering plants outnumber non-flowering ones by a huge margin because they are prettier and easier to like. The fact is some species are the beneficiaries of some very good public relations. It’s easy for the feds to steal land on behalf of a Disney character like a mouse. We hear about the meadow jumping mouse being endangered and we automatically think of Mickey. The kangaroo rat, a rodent with no socially redeeming features, would never have become one of the largest land-owners in California if the movie Cro-codile Dundee hadn’t introduced us to kangaroos. Mountain lions may kill the occasional jogger but even that can’t erase the image people have of the Lion King. People put bumper stickers on their cars to save the playful dolphin and whale, but where are the pleas for the ugly rock fish or halibut? Coyotes and wolves have enjoyed such good press most urbanites see them as merely dogs that haven’t been properly licensed or house trained. Politicians in Washington DC can get away with buying up land with our money for condor preserves, but call the ugly birds what they more closely resemble, buzzards, and the scavengers would have to fend for themselves instead of being on the federal dole.

If scientists would have only known about the Endangered Species Act I bet they never would have given such lousy names to endangered species like the mold beetle, Arkansas fatmucket, lousewart and the robber baron cavespider. It’s hard to get misty eyed over a bladderpod.

The species with the best chance of getting their own private retreats are animals or plants with disabilities. Our hearts go out to the three-legged frog, the Texas blind salamander, the humpback chub and the dwarf flax. How difficult life must be for them. One wonders how they have managed to live this long. Surely we can find it in our hearts to provide a special study for the intellectually challenged yellow billed cuckoo. We are willing to lock up land for Munz’s onion because old man Munz’s onion should have just as many rights as any other onion. And no one wants to hurt the feelings of the sensitive joint vetch by implying that it’s not worthy of making the list.

Some endangered species have no chance of survival with their lack of personality, communicative skills and organizational support. There are two kinds of lichen endangered but have you ever seen them on 60 Minutes? There are 29 kinds of Haha on the endangered or threatened list but how many of us could correctly pick one out of a crowd? Surely the 16 species of milkvetch, two kinds of spurge and six varieties of thistle are in desperate need of their own public relations push to resurrect their reputations.

I’m sure National Geographic, the Discovery Channel, Ted Turner, Bruce Babbitt and the Nature Conservancy are working on it right now.