A blanket apology to all those with thin skin

A blanket apology to all those with thin skin

June 19, 2001

It's The Pitts
By Lee Pitts

Occasionally I receive hate mail from angry readers demanding apologies.

My first reaction is, "Lighten up folks, it’s supposed to be a humor column." And don’t wait by your mail box expecting a letter of apology because I try not to write unless I get paid for it. I do realize, however, that my sense of humor may be slightly skewed. Okay, perhaps "warped" is a bettor word. So, I would like to apologize for ever questioning the masculinity of k.d. lang, the Pillsbury Doughboy, fairy shrimp, Michael Jackson, Queen Creek, Ariz., the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, and Santa Monica hair dressers.

To all Floridians, I apologize if I implied that your humidity is the same as the average age of your citizens. Also, I hope I wasn’t being too judgmental for saying it was colder than a Mother-in-law’s kiss when I visited Aberdeen, South Dakota, but it was thirty degrees below zero. (I suppose now I should apologize to all Mother-In-Laws.)

Bernice from Tompkins, Saskatchewan, thinks I insulted all sheep raisers and suggested that I might try raising sheep "instead of writing for farm papers for pocket change." My dear Bernice, I have also raised sheep and I must say the pay is about the same.

I’ll admit that referring to Earth Firsters as "nature Nazis," "shrub-cuddlers" and "eco-weinies" was a poor choice of words. In saying they were pig-headed, dumb bunnies and bird brained in no way did I mean any disrespect to animals or our feathered friends.

To the city planner in Arizona who disagreed when I wrote that I thought too many of our roads have been paved. I’m sorry about your potholes but perhaps you might find a better use for your city’s time than writing me a three page letter!

I do make the odd comment about lawyers and I would like to apologize for comparing them to hogs. I did not mean to impugn the integrity of Durocs or Yorkshires. WAIT! That was meant as a joke! Please don’t sue me!

I’ve found two groups to be especially sensitive: dog owners and horse lovers. Descriptions I would use, by the way, to describe myself. I sincerely apologize for not giving the Welsh Corgi breed their due as "working dogs" and for disrespecting the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Stacey from California was really upset because she thought I called all cutting horse riders "fat." I did not mean to imply that. Nor did I mean to say that all Arab horse owners and those who ride English saddles are somehow mentally impaired.

Carla from Strawplains, Tenn. suggested my wife should divorce me because of the way I write about her. Carla, might I suggest that in the future you follow my wife’s policy and just ignore everything I say or do.

I apologize to the Daughters of the American Revolution for implying they were all overly fond of banana cream pie with extra whipped cream. I’m sure ALL DAR members are not that way, but the ones who visited my mom’s house sure were.

Some folks just can’t handle the truth. It’s a fact that Nebraska’s college football team can beat yours. For the politically correct please note that I did not name Deadhorse, Ala., Dwarf, Ky., Hooker, Okla., Boring Oregon, or Gordo, Ala. And Ainsworth, Neb., first called itself "The Middle of Nowhere," not me.

In summation, I’d like to issue a blanket apology to everyone who seemingly does not have a sense of humor, including but not limited to: bluntnosed suckers, Wolf Blitzer, ear ringed teenagers, Dr. Spock, tofu lovers, members of the Denver Dumb Friends League, spotted owls, Ted Turner’s ex-wife, golfers, prune eaters, bald women, mules, Jesse Jackson, daytime TV hosts, poultry pluckers, New Yorkers, cat lovers, latte drinking baby boomers, rappers, residents of Gas, Ky., city slickers, and anyone else I may have offended in the past or, no doubt, will in the future.

I admit it: I’m such a sorry human being. I hope you’re all happy now.