I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...

I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a car but condemn oil companies. I don’t want trees cut for any purpose other than to provide the lumber for my next house. As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God given right to sire at least four children by three different wives and then protest about overpopulation in the world.

I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers and ranchers who feed me. I demand that politicians and federal judges in Washington save all endangered species, except the small business man. I feel government is imminently qualified to micro-manage nature, after all, look what a smashing job they’ve done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM and assorted other alphabet agencies.

As a self-righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with barbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind. I demand that feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That privilege should be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into a septic tank or the ocean.

I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my big-city backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission for mountains lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand the abominable beast be shot on sight.

I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their drilling more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the engine running. I will write letters to the editor on my computer castigating utility companies for not providing enough electricity. At the same time I will send money to green groups who want to tear down hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of any new power producing projects.

I avow at the next cocktail party I attend while smoking a cigarette and sipping a martini that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lung cancer.

Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a garden I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it. As a pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be taken away from farmers immediately, but I don’t want it to affect the price, quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store. It is my strongly held conviction that we should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray I use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.

As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help stop global warming by watching the Discovery Channel on my giant sized television in my air-conditioned house.

I assert that cattle pooping on our nation’s grasslands is a national disgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea is simply good ecology. I will complain about fertilizer runoff from farms but not from golf courses because I happen to be a golfer.

I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the fact that hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers. I demand that the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national forests but I’ll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to burn near my house.

As a card-carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and all animal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save my life. I demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album that endorses killing cops.