Stop global whining

Stop global whining

Mar. 27, 2001

It's The Pitts
By Lee Pitts

I was sitting in the airport in Aberdeen, S.D. (Motto: we’re colder than Alaska, you know!) just minding my own business when a local real-estate agent sat down next to me with the obvious intention of selling me some property. This was made difficult by the fact that it was a typical winter day in Aberdeen (10 degrees below zero) and the airport was crammed full of people who wanted to escape, not relocate. They didn’ t care really where the outward bound planes were headed, they just knew they wanted out.

When the plane’s wheels left the tarmac a rousing cheer went up from the snowbirds flocking to warmer climes.

I’ m sure the realtor did not sit in his assigned seat on the commuter airplane and instead chose to take a seat next to mine to continue informing me of the many attributes of the Aberdeen area. I must admit that prior to this conversation I was not aware of the mass migration of people to the locale that could start at any minute.

"Aberdeen real estate is going to be red hot," said the broker.

"Well, at least that might warm things up," I said icily. "What exactly is it that is going to make Aberdeen a boom town?"

"Global warming," said the realtor. "You’ve heard of it haven’ t you?"

"Yes," I replied. "I recall that Al Gore called global warming the most serious problem our civilization faces, which may help explain why he’s teaching college now."

"As you may know," continued the agent, "global warming is caused by the burning of fossil fuels and the production of greenhouse gases, mostly carbon dioxide. But far from being an environmental catastrophe, global warming presents the best investment opportunity I’ ve seen since Gasoline.com. If things heat up as much as the environmentalist whackos contend, Aberdeen will be right smack in the middle of the new Sun Belt.

"We’ ll be growing coffee and bananas and, who knows, if the polar ice caps melt you could be looking at ocean front property right here in Aberdeen. Cruise ships will reroute their itineraries to take in the local sights and sounds."

"I never thought about that," I admitted. "Let me get this straight, you’re saying there could many advantages to global warming?"

"Absolutely. Especially in farm and ranch real estate. Do you realize experts predict that the net value of North American farm production will rise $174 billion if our thermostat gets turned up just two degrees? The national income of every North American will rise due to the many benefits of a warmer climate."

"What do you suggest I buy?" I asked, warming to the discussion.

"Farm ground or ranch land. Global warming is primarily caused by too much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere created by cars, factories and volcanoes. But guess what gets rid of carbon dioxide? Plants. It turns out that carbon dioxide is a basic plant food. I predict that in a few years the government will be paying farmers and ranchers for being carbon sinks, for storing carbon dioxide in plants and grasses so that Big Business can go right on polluting. I tell you, carbon credits are going to be the new cash crop. They’ll be traded like pork belly futures. Cows will be highly valued in the future for their ability to return carbon back to earth, so to speak."

"But what about the folks on both coasts getting flooded due to rising ocean levels when the ice caps melt due to higher temperatures?" I asked.

"So we lose some computer nerds out in Seattle and some whiny Hollywood actors in Hollywood? This is a problem for you? There will be no more New Yorkers to look down their noses at the rest of us. Floridians will have to swim to their polling places."

"You certainly make global warming sound appealing," I said, asking for my newfound friend’s business card.