It's the Pitts: An old family recipe

It's the Pitts: An old family recipe

Dec. 26, 2000

By Lee Pitts

I’d like to share with you an old family recipe handed down to me that friends and relatives have enjoyed for several generations. This all time favorite is usually served on holidays or Sunday dinner but it goes well any day of the week.

Here’s a list of the primary ingredients: an overflowing cup of wife, a tiny teaspoon of husband, a full measure of kids to lick the icing bowl or ice cream dashers, carefully sifted members of your extended family and a pinch of assorted friends. Preparation time is measured by the four quarters of a football game occupying the menfolk in the next room. At all times during the mixing of this meal be careful not to stir them up or shake them or they might boil over into the kitchen.

Blend all these ingredients together in a home wrapped in love and basted with humor. (No maids, caterers or frozen pies please). To decide on how many you want to serve consider your budget, time and patience and then go ahead and invite everyone. Figure on three servings per person and then double the recipe.

The main dish is the host who brings everything together with five people looking over her shoulder at all times, several kids underfoot demanding to know when dinner will be ready, a dog looking for a handout and at least two men munching on ribs or bones over the sink. Please be advised it’s the only time they’ll get near the sink all day. (But you already knew that).

The woman of the house is responsible for slapping the hand of the man of the house with a wooden spoon when he sticks his fingers in places they shouldn’t be. Like a bowl full of mashed potatoes or icing on a cake. The chef should be careful not to pound too vigorously on him, but he should be whisked out of the kitchen at high speed. For even better results the man should be marinated in wine prior to the meal to take the bitter edge off. Try to be short at least one key ingredient, preferably whipped cream, so that the woman can toss the man out of the house by sending him to the store. Preferably more than once. In this way he’ll feel kneaded. Other than pouring the wine, making sure the chip bowl is full and the occasional remedial carving chore this pretty much summarizes the roll of the husband of the house.

The trickiest ingredient in this old family recipe is the mother-in-law who tends to keep things shook up by grating on the cook with a vinegary tirade for three hours at 365 degrees. She should be given just enough of a job to keep her occupied, like peeling onions, while at the same time not being given enough responsibility so she can claim any responsibility whatsoever for the quality of the meal.

Saucy conversation should be stirred into the mix with the addition of assorted sisters, neighbors and friends who just happen to drop by because they were in the neighborhood and knew something was cooking. For best results they should be added slowly to the concoction to avoid a messy spill over.

Season to taste with equal parts of an assortment of relatives. Garnish with sage wisdom from Grandma, a measure of thyme from Grandpa and a little spice from an uncle who always acts like a ham at family gatherings. To keep things hot and ready-to-serve be careful to keep all dishes covered to prevent them from being disturbed by pesky aunts wearing aprons.

If you follow these step-by-step instructions you’ll find that everything tastes better when served in a good home surrounded by family and friends. With a dinner thus prepared a good cook can put up with anything, even relatives. When the last piece of pie is finished and the men are all stuffed and sleeping off their meal, what you’ll be left with is a messy kitchen, a recipe for happiness, and leftover feelings of love and friendship that will be remembered long after the dirty dishes are finally done.