Payback

Payback

Nov. 9, 2000

It's The Pitts
By Lee Pitts

All his life George had sought political asylum in the sanctuary of the country. Voting was about all he wanted of the political process and he did his darndest to hide from politicians who came seeking campaign contributions and endorsements. But as the owner of a farm and fertilizer supply store George knew he was trapped when his biggest fertilizer client, who also happened to be an aspiring political candidate, tried to sell him two tickets to his political fund raiser at $200 a plate.

There were a couple things that really galled George about his "donation" to the candidate attempting to pursue a promising career in politics. First, the restaurant where the shindig was being held was widely known to have the worst food this side of the Army. Secondly, George’s customer/candidate had more money than he could keep dry anyway. He could easily have just bought the election like politicians have been doing since the beginning of time. It also irritated George that he’d have to throw good money away on a candidate whose political opinions changed as often as the weather. In that regard the candidate was like a Volkswagen bug: He looked at all times like he could go in either direction.

It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when George was struck with his brilliant scheme for getting even. It was probably while he was painting his tonsils at the bar where the $200 a plate dinner was being served. As part of the night’s activities a silent auction was being held for items that had been donated from supporters who had also been strong-armed into contributing. Mostly these objects consisted of discards that had been collecting dust on some retailer’s shelves, or services from people who were trying to promote their own businesses. Three items in particular aroused George’s interest. These included six sessions with a marriage counselor, driving lessons from a licensed instructor and a case of assorted hard liquor delivered to your residence on a monthly basis for an entire year.

As you are probably aware, in a silent auction the participants write their bid on a bidding sheet and other individuals can then raise the price by writing down and signing off on a higher bid. This goes on throughout the event until bidding is closed. The high bidders are usually announced in a grand finale at the end of the festivities.

For some reason no one raised the bids for the marriage counselor, driver’s training and booze that George initially wrote down. Perhaps it was because George made such a high opening bid that the items were already oversold. More likely it was because even if a person needed marriage counseling, driver’s training or a case of booze every month, they’d hardly want to advertise the fact by having their name read at a banquet attended by all the big shots in a three county wide area. You may be under the false impression that George was in desperate need of marriage counseling, driving lessons and hard liquor. (I’m assured he is not.) Here’s the brilliant part of George’s plan. As a way of getting even for having spent $200 on a meal that was so bad you had to sharpen your knife just to cut the gravy, George wrote down the name of his customer/politician next to his extremely generous bids.

As you might expect, George’s political joke went over like a rib cook-off at a PETA convention. After the results of the silent auction were announced the aspiring candidate could not have been elected dog catcher in his community. His political platform immediately fell out from under him and his political machine broke down. After word of the politician’s instability spread throughout the township passing motorists upon recognizing him pulled over to let him pass safely by. Complete strangers telephoned to invite him to AA meetings and his mother-in-law flew in from Tulsa demanding to know if he had anything he needed to tell her?