Say it (anything at all!) with a card

Say it (anything at all!) with a card

Oct. 19, 2000

'Smatter of Fact
By Katharhynn Heidelberg

"Mommeee, can I have this, please? I really need it!"

We’re all familiar with this childhood wheedle — whether from the receiving or giving end. Chances are, we hear it on our weekly shopping outings, and it’s difficult to get too upset by it when, the next aisle over, we hear a grown-up say: "Honey, can we buy a digital satellite dish? We really need it!"

If we haven’t outgrown the "mommy, can I have..." phase, should it be a surprise that the marketplace is responding accordingly? Take greeting cards for example: it seems there is now a need to trumpet every occasion to the world.

I remember when Thanksgiving was a family holiday, and on the day after, it was time to address Christmas cards. When I first saw a Thanksgiving card, I thought: "How novel!" Then came Easter cards, which stripped a little veneer off the novelty. When, however, I began seeing Halloween and St. Patrick’s Day cards, my thought was: "For heaven’s sake!"

But, it seems we have told the marketing powers that be: "Mr./Ms. Corporate Head, we really need a means of telling our nearest and dearest we hope they have a great Dress Up Weird, Beg From the Neighbors and Pig Out on Candy Day!" And, if we forgot "Desecrate the Memory of a Christian Saint by Swilling Down Copious Amounts of Badly Dyed Ale and Acting Obnoxious Day," I guess we’d really be in trouble. (Note: these seem to be the present American inceptions of these holidays. I realize that this was not the original intent of either, especially St. Patrick’s Day).

Just check out websites that offer electronic cards. Not only can you choose from standard holiday and special-occasion fare, you can also be exposed to a whole new culture!

July 15, for instance, is billed as "Respect Canada Day." None of my Canadian connections can recall this as a Canadian holiday, so I conclude it’s intended for the U.S. I wasn’t aware relations were so bad with our neighbors to the north that we needed to set aside a day to remember them as human beings, but I’m sure glad the Internet helps keep me up to speed!

You can also use these cards to inflict guilt trips: "Well, Steve, I sent you a Cow Appreciation Day card, but I guess I just don’t matter, because you forgot!"

Other online gems include: "TV Talk Show Host Day" (have we sunk this far?); "Boost Your Brain Day" (start by logging off immediately!); and "Take a Plant For a Walk Day" (uhh...why?). The week of Oct. 9 - 13, you will be pleased to know, was "Pet Peeve Week." I’m not sure why this needs to be remembered with a card, but I can tell you mine: fake holidays.

The "Gentle Hints" card business also peeves me. These notes are designed to let Cousin Bubba know about his indelicate habits without hurting his feelings. They are, of course, mailed anonymously, with an enclosure in case Bubba is too dense to know he is being insulted. (Eg: Beano for flatulence).

Maybe a business called "Right of Reply" needs to be set up on Bubba’s behalf. It should be easy, because every Right of Reply could say the same thing: "Dear coward, if you can’t mind your own business, or acknowledge your own numerous faults, please do me the courtesy of absenting your hypocritical self from my life." (Enclosure: mirror).

It seems bogus holidays, needless notes and the like will continue popping up. Save yourself the embarrassment by sticking to traditional holidays, and perusing your corner card shop instead of the ’Net. Currently, I’m pushing for "National Pay Anyone Named Katharhynn $1,000 Day." Wish me luck. (And send everyone a card!)