Someday at the Post Office there will be a lot of new faces on the "Most Wanted List". Instead of burglary and murder the ten outlaws whose faces will appear on reward posters will be wanted for things like food, lumber and gasoline. These fugitives from justice have been framed by the Lifestyle Po-lice, tried in kangaroo courts and run out of town by the FBI, which in this case stands for Federal Bu-reaucrats and other Idiots. Here are the future fugitives to be on the lookout for:

Logger: Wanted for questioning about the FBI’s criminal behavior and the resulting fires that have decimated North American forests. He is wanted for affordable housing and straight lumber. The logger’s rap sheet includes alleged crimes against three-legged frogs, crossbred owls and hard-headed woodpeckers.

Private Property Owner: Considered dangerous by the feds and gullible by FBI. Made payoffs in the form of property taxes in order to have the opportunity to provide green space for unappreciative loiterers. Also goes by the name of "Sucker."

Farmer: Last seen holding a "Will Work For Food" sign outside a neighborhood grocery store. Now believed to be plowing more profitable fields in Mexico. His crime was operating his machinery under the influence of Washington DC. Also wanted for questioning regarding the burglary of American markets and the counterfeiting and smuggling of inferior food products from offshore sources.

Oilfield Wildcatter: Adored by an appreciative and wealthy citizenry in Saudi Arabia where he now makes his living extorting money from American soccer moms driving Sport Utility Vehicles. Wanted desperately in this country for cheaper gas and national security.

Fisherman: After being snared in a net of government bureaucracy he is believed to have engineered a daring escape by stowing away on a foreign fishing vessel: the one place the Feds have always failed to investigate. Most members of his gang saw no escape and hung themselves on government red tape.

Small, Independent Businessman: Guilty of taking bad checks, supporting the local community and failing to blackmail politicians. Now imprisoned by big box stores. Should be easy to spot due to a unique vocabulary: Uses rare phrases such as, "Thank you", "Come again", and "How may we be of service?"

Miner: Wanted for his assault on solid mountains of rock in order to give his accomplices jewelry, cheap electricity and strategic metals. Has also been accused of "earth molestation" by Nature Nazis wearing gold jewelry. This fugitive is in violation of the Fossil Preservation Act and is believed to be hiding underground. Due to his familiarization with dynamite he should be considered very dangerous.

Sheepherder: On the "lamb" for years. Guilty of having the wool pulled over his eyes by trade negotiators. Reward offered by green groups for proof of atrocities committed against coyotes and wolves by baby lambs.

Beekeeper: Wanted for running a sting operation. On the run ever since the FBI (Federal Bureaucrats and other Idiots) took away federal protection and gave Chinese beekeepers a sweeter deal. Perpetrator may be difficult to recognize from picture on wanted posters because he often wears a mask. Approach with extreme caution.

Rancher: Wanted for assault with a supposedly deadly weapon... cows. Should be considered armed and dangerous by tree huggers, Bruce Babbitt and trespassers. Rough looking character easily recognized by barb wire scars on arms, blisters on hands and tattoos on cows. Specializes in the harvest and sale of grass.