I counted up the other day how many dogs I’ve owned. I lost count at 15. Of all those dogs, and there were some great ones, we only paid cash for one of them. And she was the most ill-behaved of the entire lot. It used to be that pets were either a "gift" from a friend or were picked out of a box in front of the grocery store from a cute little girl in pigtails. The very best dogs and cats just showed up one day looking for a meal, you gave it to them, and ten years later they were still mooching from you.

So you can imagine my surprise recently when I was reading the "funny pages" of the Sunday edition of a metropolitan newspaper. Actually it was the classified section with "Pets For Sale." I have never laughed so hard in my life. It used to be that a pet was the only friend that didn't cost you anything. But even that has changed.

Bassett pups were listed for sale at $250 and a Beagle "that really should be in the movies" was only $350. Of course that included papers. (The dog was in the process of being house-trained, it seems). Short-Haired Chihuahuas were practically being "given away" at $250. The long-haired variety cost $100 more but they were "great with kids." Hey, if you buy the dog who can afford kids?

For only $550 you could buy a pit bull that "loves cats." I guess that would be cheaper than buying dog food. Then we got into the more expensive dogs. Something called an Akita was $800, a Boxer $2,000, a Chinese Shar Pei $500, an English bulldog with a championship father was only $1,200, and a Dogue De Brdx, whatever that is, was $1,000. It seems the dog in the movie Turner and Hooch was one of these and therefore everyone wants one despite their tendency to drool all over everything.

Just in case you are interested, the going rate for a Malamute is $200, Eskimo pups are $300, Dobes are $400, miniature Dachshunds, which I think is redundant, are $250. Old English sheepdogs are $700, Rotts are $500 to $800 and even "big black shaggy dogs" are $100. Maybe for some single men this might make sense: a dog license is cheaper than a marriage license and the dog already has a fur coat!

I have never in my life met a cat worth five bucks (I’m just kidding, cat lovers) but a Bengal Spotted Leopard kitten, "the kind recently featured in Connoisseur magazine," was listed at only $600. Seems like a real steal compared to the Manx kitten with extra toes at $375 and the "real talkative Abyssinian with a great personality for only $775." According to the classified ads there are folks who rent out their stud cats just like the horse business. Himalayan stud service was $500 and the resulting kittens were $20. I’m not a genius but that doesn't seem too profitable.

In the Lost and Found section of the paper a reward of $1,000 was offered for the return of "Basenji" who had a missing front tooth. I don't know if Basenji is the breed or the dog’s name but believe me, for a thousand bucks I’ll keep my eyes peeled for whatever it is. A $2,000 reward was offered for information leading to the return of a blue and gold Macaw. Heck, they could buy a new one according to the ads for only $950! Also in this section of the paper was an ad for Sherlock Bones, a private detective who helps find missing pets. He’s probably a billionaire by now!

Pets are now collectibles. Everything from pot-bellied pigs to $300 goldfish. Thankfully there are still some pets that people are willing to give away — to a good home, of course. Listed in the paper for free was a mixed dog that had been poked in the eye and a cat "that was insecure and needed to be around people." She also needed all her shots and $35 to bail her out of the pound. Hybrid wolf pups described as "playful" were also being given away. "Please call Stubs for more information."