Greetings, Gentle Reader,

Is it true that one of the big cities on the Front Range has outlawed the term "pet owner"? Owners must now be referred to as "guardians"? That’s insane. We are making giant strides towards total political correctness, and, oh my goodness! Aren’t we proud?

We’ll be like California be-fore we know it. They have published a directive called "Watch Your Lan-guage." It specifies what words employers, employment agencies and landlords may not use. The Califor-nia Fair Employment and Housing Act "bans discrimination on the basis of race, religious creed, color, national origin, ancestry, physical handicap, medical condition, marital status, sex or age."

People are forbidden "to print or circulate any publication, or to make any non-job-related inquiry, either verbally or through use of an application form, which expresses directly or indirectly, any limitation, specification or discrimination on a basis enumerated in the Act."

That’s quite comprehensive, and some of it’s good. Unfortunately, their examples of what you may neither say nor write makes you wonder what screwball thought up this stuff. Here are the things you can’t say:

Sex: one-girl office, two-man operation, FOA (Front Office Appearance), girl, lady, woman; strong guys, takes interest in her work, must wear coat and tie, pretty boy, top lady-like appearance, will fit position to man, shirtsleeves guy; bright, aggressive female, sharp, sweet girls, want big ticket guy, executive secretary — no men, can-do man, man only, no pants suits, sideburns not below earlobes; interested in seeing lots of gals, 14-week training — wife can go, too, a nice lady that knows up-to-date fashions.

Sex-tied job titles: Night watchman, telephone girl, bindery man, counter boy, girl Friday, office boy, repairman, bicycle boy, hostess, salesgirl, warehouseman, busboy, cocktail waitress, draftsman, grill girl, salesman, waiter, maintenance man.

Age: Young energetic person, recent grad, age 20 to 30, very young company, student, college evening student, age 40 to 50, mature (30-50), age 20s, 35 preferred, boy, average age, young and promotable, retired representative, maximum 2-5 years experience, junior position, young, will train bright, new graduate, right out of college (2 years) or service, recent graduate, little or no experience.

Ethnicity: No B’s, no accents, Japanese, must be Italian, Chinese preferred, honorable discharge, U.S. citizen, English must be mother tongue, Filipino that speaks Tagalog.

Marital Status: Single, married, unattached, married and stable, no children, prefers single, couple, without family problems, family person, not married, no children calling all the time.

Can you believe we have gone this far? While some of these things make sense, most of them prove that California has taken leave of its senses. Different jobs require different capacities. If I needed a hod carrier, I wouldn’t have much use for a 95-pound girl, but in California, I would get in trouble if I were determined to hire a 250-pound man for the job. Worse, if I were forced to hire the girl, she would be injured in no time, and my company would be sued for millions. This makes sense? To whom?

If I needed a typist who could type 120 words per minute, what would I do with a guy with injured hands? But in California, avoiding hiring someone because he has been injured is discrimination.

More nuts and flakes: People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) are demonstrating at the Republican Convention. Their silly signssay, "Don’t Eat Your Friends." Are they from the Front Range?