It's the Pitts: Real-estate novelist

It's the Pitts:
Real-estate novelist

July 25, 2000

By Lee Pitts

I admire good creative writing and I’m of the opinion that some of our finest modern-day stories are being told in the real estate sections of farm periodicals and weekly newspapers. Writing classified ads is actually one of the ways I got my start as a writer and if you’ve ever wondered where I got my fertile imagination it’s from writing classified real estate ads like these.

A breath of fresh air... This contemporary ranch-style home is ideal for the discriminating first-time buyer. This unique ranchette features a late model single-wide mobile home with mirrors on the bedroom ceiling. It is maintenance free. (That means there has been no maintenance done in the last 25 years which is how old the mobile home is.) Located in a growing community. (To the west there is a feedlot, to the east an onion field, and to the north is a hog ranch. You'll always know which way the wind is blowing.) This property has investment potential and is priced for a quick sale. (It has been for five years.) Mineral rights are included. (You have as much chance striking oil on this place as you would a decent water well.) Owner financing. (Because no banker in his right mind would loan money on this place.)

Waterfront property... This scenic estate has miles of river frontage and you’ll have no problem locating water. The pastures are flood irrigated. Short feeding season and a long fishing season. (It floods on an annual basis.) Panoramic views. (what you see is not necessarily what you get) from a split level home (the bottom floor washed away last year) and a large swimming pool (38 acres). A rare opportunity. Asking 1 million cash but that includes a 14' boat that’s been used slightly.

One of a kind... This secluded ranch would make a magnificent retreat for the busy executive wanting to get far from the madenning crowds. Located in Central Nevada 750 miles from the nearest town. Includes guest house for visitors that may just drop in. Great place to raise a family with no crime and low death rate. (Nobody wants to be caught dead here.) Development potential. (There has been talk the federal government wants to test nuclear bombs here.) On the hole it is a great place to live. (As a hole it is all right... but not as a home.)

Hold your horses... This is a horseman's dream (nightmare.) Two-and-a-half acre ranch ideal for raising miniature horses. Horses available at our cost. ($75,000 each.) Includes a home over the tack room. Assumable loan for $1,850,000. (If we can just find someone as stupid as we were.) Owner anxious and will consider trade. (For darned near anything that doesn't eat hay.)

Old world charm... An older home with all the bugs worked out. (There is nothing left for the termites to eat.) Features include running water (when it rains) and outbuildings (his and hers). Still time to pick your own colors. Antiques can be purchased with the ranch. (They would probably break if they were moved.) Drastically reduced in price. Terms to qualified buyer (sucker).

The historic Need-Less Ranch is for sale... Hay storage available for 2,400 tons of hay. (You’re going to need it.) Hay baler, pitchfork and spouse can go with ranch. (Terms available on the spouse.) Can run 5,000 pairs in a good year. Livestock now on the ranch (50 head) can be purchased separately. Good hunting. (That's what the cows do, hunt for grass. The hunting is good but the finding is awful.) Would make a great retirement ranch. (Because you aren’t going to make a living here.) Includes rustic and quaint cabin. (One room is quaint and the other is rustic.) A rare opportunity for the discriminating buyer. Desperate owners who will consider trade for ocean front property, a midtown skyscraper and apartment complexes. (Or camper shell on a recent model pickup.)