I’ve spent a lifetime searching for the perfect excuse. After doing all this research, I’ve become somewhat of an expert on what works and what doesn’t. As a public service, I have listed below a few tricky situations I’ve found myself in, along with my excuses. (They are listed in the order of their effectiveness, from most to least.) If these don’t work, don’t blame me; I am married, had a tough childhood, never received the memo, my coffee was too strong, lately I’ve been worried about my wife’s mental state, I have a headache and may have inhaled too many paint fumes.

Situation: You are pulled over by a law-enforcement official for speeding.

"I thought my wife said, ‘Give it the gas.’ She actually said, ‘Do you have gas?’ "

"I’m very sorry, officer. I was in a stock-car race at the local track and I must have taken a wrong turn."

"I know I was speeding but it’s half-time and we’re out of beer."

Situation: Your wife complains that you never help with the housework.

"I’d help with the vacuuming but you know the doctor gave me a prescription for hay fever and the bottle says never operate heavy equipment while taking it.

"The last time you asked me to help I used the shop vac to vacuum the bed and spilled the contents. It took months to get the metal shavings out of the mattress."

"I’d help around the house but I could never do such a perfect job as you.

Situation: You are audited by the IRS for under-reporting your income.

"I never received a W-2 or 1099. You know how government agencies are. The mail service is so lousy."

"You never caught me before."

Situation: You are late for an appointment.

"My wife was having rear-end trouble."

"I couldn’t break myself away from the Three Stooges Marathon on television."

"I accidentally took some constipation pills along with my anti-depressants and couldn’t leave the bathroom. But hey, why let a little thing like being late upset us?"

Situation: You forgot your wife’s birthday.

"I forgot because I was in a trance over how beautiful you are."

"My computer is down."

"I simply forgot. That should be good enough for you. It’s what you said when you announced you were pregnant with our tenth child."

Situation: You accidentally knock your spouse off the hay stacked in the back of the truck on your way out to feed the cows.

"It wasn’t my fault. It was the asphalt."

"I forgot you were there."

"You know the dog gets carsick if he doesn’t ride up front with me."

Situation: Being absent from work or your spouse’s family reunion.

"My dog was glum after being neutered and I felt I should stay home and offer emotional support."

"I had to stay home because Ed McMahon said in a letter he might be stopping by to give me a check for 10 million dollars."

"I just wasn’t feeling up to par." (Good if you spent the day on a golf course.)

"I had to stay home with my computer because it caught a virus."

Situation: Getting out of jury duty.

"I plead guilty. But I didn’t want anyone to get my highly infectious skin rash."

"I had severe eye trouble. I couldn’t see myself on a jury."