By Lee Pitts

Here are four words you should never say to a rain-starved rancher: "Have a nice day!"

In my neck of the woods we are dying of dust under clear blue skies. It’s so dry the fish have ticks. The last thing a rancher wants is another "nice day." What we need is rainy, balmy, cloudy and drizzly. Now that would be a good day!

I don’t understand some people’s negative attitude toward rain. We’re in the middle of a drought and people are bragging about the "beautiful weather" we’re having. The worst culprits are the weather forecasters on television. When it does rain they complain about possible property damage and loss of life. How about all the people who don’t die because of a few inches of topsoil and a gully washer every now and then?

To say that we’re having a mild winter in my locale is an understatement; it’s been downright cruel. Eight months have come and gone but not storms have. I think I recall we had a three-inch rain two years ago; the drops were three inches apart. In my neck of the woods the only black clouds that have darkened our horizons are of the financial variety. Which reminds me, on top of no rain it’s been colder than a banker’s heart. Even if it did rain I’m afraid the grass wouldn’t come out of hibernation.

Meteorologists say that our abnormally dry weather is caused either by (a) El Nino, (b) La Nina, (c) the ozone layer or (d) a jet stream with a sick sense of humor. I think Mother Nature must be mad at Father Time over some simple matter and she’s going to make us all pay.

We’ve all been turned into dryland farmers and weather watchers. We scrutinize the sky for signs of possible moisture. My grandfather told me that whenever a group of birds gather on the telephone wires it’s time to break out the rain slicker. I haven’t seen two birds in the same spot since the Cardinals and the Orioles played baseball. My grandpa also said that when the coyotes howl it’s going to rain and when they shout it will be dry. All I can say is that there’s a whole lotta shoutin’ goin’ on round here. It’s so dry the ground is cracking, the cows are chasing the feed truck and for the sake of the fish we’re having to irrigate our streams and rivers.

I’ve tried everything to make it ran and can definitely tell what doesn’t work. Washing the windows, re-roofing your house and leaving your equipment exposed does not work. It’s a myth that washing your pickup truck or planning an outdoor wedding will make it rain and I don’t know why anyone would even bother trying. (Washing the truck, I mean.) I’m told that seeding the clouds sometimes is effective but that assumes there are clouds to seed.

It’s been my experience that there are only three surefire methods to encourage Mother Nature to pull the cork, open up the skies and let it rain. These are (a) cut or bale hay and leave it in the field, (b) prepare to harvest a crop and (c) sell all your cattle and rent out the ranch.