Alan Keyes, the fire-and-brimstone GOP presidential candidate, declared on C-SPAN last week that his strong showing in the Iowa caucuses — he came in third with 14 percent of the vote — was the work of God. Keyes announced this endorsement with his arms and eyes raised toward Heaven, as though he were receiving confirmation as he spoke.

Also last week, Kurt Warner, the quarterback of the St. Louis Rams, shouted, "Thank you, Jesus!" in front of the TV cameras after his team beat Tampa Bay, clearing its last hurdle to the Super Bowl despite an overall bumbling performance. Warner’s head was also tilted skyward as he offered kudos to his Spiritual Coach for helping him defeat his gridiron enemies.

It kind of reminded me of televangelist and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson, who a few years ago took credit for his prayers convincing God to divert a hurricane so that it wouldn’t visit disaster on his flock, even though this would, inevitably, bring grief to apparently less deserving folks elsewhere. (Which made me puzzle why, if he wielded such influence, Robertson hadn’t simply prayed that the storm dissipate, rather than change paths?)

Of course, all the current Republican presidential contenders profess to have close personal relationships with their Christian Creator, so it got me to wondering if the Iowa results are supposed to reflect how highly each of the hopefuls is regarded by his conservative Father in Heaven.

Keyes certainly didn’t explain why, if he is the chosen one, George W. beat him 3-1, or Steve Forbes, who only recently learned to genuflect to the religious right, bested him by 2-1. And both these opponents are richer than Midas, just the kind of guys Christ said weren’t likely to squeeze through the Pearly Gates.

Is it possible the same God that Keyes says favors him so much actually likes these venal fellows even better?

Or is it possible Keyes is dead wrong and God doesn’t dirty His hands with partisan politics?

If He does, then why was a heathen Democrat, particularly one with Clinton’s record of carnal trespasses, allowed to win the last two presidential elections over reputedly God-sponsored GOP candidates who never fooled around with anyone but their spouses?

Keyes didn’t address these points during his self-congratulatory appearance, but they would be a good topic for the next candidate debate: "Why God thinks I should lead America!"

And even though I’m an avid Bronco fan, it’s hard for me to believe Mr. Big pays close attention to which teams prevail in the NFL. He’s probably got better things to do on Sunday than watch football, what with all the public prayers pouring in. (I recommend reading His letter to the coal dealer, as recorded by Mark Twain.)

But if Warner really is Jesus’ favorite, how come the Rams didn’t thrash the Bucs, like Jacksonville did Miami? I would have thought that if a compassionate Supreme Being were actually deciding on such matters, He’d have sent Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino, also a real Christian guy, back to the big game one more time before retirement rather than humiliating him like that.

As I recall, Christ admonished people to render unto Caesar —read "the government" — those things that were rightly Caesar’s concern and unto God only items that were properly in His venue.

Since professional sports had yet to be invented at that time, Jesus made no comment about them being worldly or other-worldly, but it isn’t too difficult to guess what He might have said: Render unto Vince Lombardi, Pete Rozelle and John Elway —and all other coaches, commissioners and quarterbacks — their just athletic desserts, but don’t get Me or My Father involved.

Still, I expect in these days of wearing one’s religion like a cloak of righteousness, the trend will spread, eventually infecting even the ranks of "pro wrestling," as it’s called. St. Francis of Assisi will be pitted against the Demonic Beast; the Archangel Gabriel (complete with horn) will engage in winged combat with the Fallen Lucifer (complete with pitchfork); tag teams will have names like the Second Coming and Armageddon, and so on.