An animal rights group is trying to get the town of Fishkill, N.Y., to change its name because some fish might find the name offensive. If they’re successful in New York, surely the animal rightists will not allow the towns of Killdeer, N.D.; Slaughter, La., and Dyer, Ark., to keep their names. If this precedent is established, can you imagine how many politically incorrect towns will have to rename themselves?

The anti-gun lobby will demand that Rifle, Colo., change its moniker for sure. Texas businesses in Gun Barrel City, Cut and Shoot, and Hunters Creek will have to get new stationery printed. Residents in Pistol River, Ore., and Cannon Ball, N.D., will have to go through a five-day waiting period for a change of address. Hollywood filmmakers will testify in Washington that names like Smackover, Ark., and the California towns of Rough and Ready and Gouge Eye are causing our kids to be more violent.

A group should be more incensed than vegetarians. You can’t take your family on a meatless vacation these days without running into towns with reference to the meat industry, such as Bulls Gap, Bulls Creek, Bullhead City, Cowpens, S.C., and Bacon, Wash. Isurprised the entire town of Bloodgoods, N.M., hasn’t been thrown in prison by the food police. Perhaps the biggest offender is the state of Alaska with towns called Chicken and Barrow. (Named after a castrated hog, no doubt). It’s enough to make a real vegetarian go EEKS! (Also an Alaskan town). Lacto-vegetarians, who disdain milk as well as meat, must be having a coronary over Guernsey, Calif., and Holstein, N.Y.

The Humane Society will start a fund-raising campaign to comfort Lame Deer and Hungry Horse in Montana, but it’s probably too late to help Deadhorse, Ala.

Prohibitionists will attempt to outlaw Whiskey Flats, Calif., and Champaign, Ill.

The vertically challenged will file a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the towns of Dwarf, Ky., and Shorter, Ala. Obese people will be offended by Gordo, Ala., and the follically challenged by Mount Baldy, Calif., and Bald Knob, Ark.

The anti-gaming lobby, composed primarily of state governments who sponsor lotteries, will demand that Black jack, Mo.; Keno, Ore.; and Las Vegas, N.M., change their names because they might encourage gambling.

Republicans will note that there is both a Gore and a Clinton in Oklahoma but not a Bush or Dole. Ecologists will have Babbitt, Nev., placed on the endangered species list for protection. Straights will boycott Queen Creek, Ariz., and Gayville, S.D.

Socialists will contend that Country Club Hills, Ill, and the Beverly Hills, Texas, are turning this country into a two-class society. Big business will lobby for a Nike County in Wyoming because there is already a Converse County. And why is there a Gillette in Wyoming but not a Shick? There is a Gas, Ky.; a Gasville, Ark.; an Arco, Idaho, and a Texico, N.M., but what happened to Exxon and Standard Oil? McDonalds will never put a franchise in Hot Coffee, Miss., having been burned once already. An antacid company will probably claim trademark infringement against Tumtum, Wash.

The women’s libbers will point out that there is Kermit, Texas, but not a town named after Miss piggy. There is a Wiseman, Alaska, but not a Wisewoman. And you just know that the National Organization for Women won’t want a Man, W.V., in their life. Admittedly, there is both a Brothers and a Sisters in Oregon, but they are not the same size. And why is there a Winner in South Dakota but not a Loser? Doesn’t that make us too competitive as a society? Why is there a Lott, Texas, but not a Little?