What’s new?

Not much, really, even though today’s trend-setting computer wizards are so proud of their modern creations. They point to e-mail and the ability to send a message to several people at once and have it arrive instantly. Big deal. Our grandparents had chat rooms too, only they were called party lines. The technocrats are fond of passing out e-mail addresses composed of letters and numbers. Growing up, I had the same thing in the form of a phone number: Zenith 238.

The World Wide Web is all the rage because it allows a person to access information in one convenient location if you are willing to navigate a maze and waste hours downloading. We had that, too, when I was in school. We called it a library.

It’s predicted that in the future people will survive without ever leaving the house. Heck, I know ranch wives who have been doing that for 50 years. Companies are valued in the billions on the promise and premise of home grocery delivery. I don’t think the bakery truck that came around with fresh bread every day in my youth was ever worth that much. The man who owned the corner market would deliver your groceries for free. Instead of going on-line for food, we’d place a note in an empty milk bottle on the porch and as if by magic, fresh milk, cottage cheese and eggs would appear the next morning.

Superstores offer "gourmet" foods that come in Mason jars, and they’ll cut and wrap meat and cheese for you at a deli. In the old days we called them butcher shops. Grinding your own coffee beans is not original.

We think it’s a time-saving miracle that kids can be raised on tasteless fast food, but old soldiers remember C rations and grownups recall cafeteria food.

We are in the age of the "cashless" society, we’re told. What’s so new about that? My mom charged our groceries long before Visa dunned us 18 percent.

New-agers can brag about their "low-flow" toilets, but I remember "no-flow" toilets out behind the house. We’ve just given new names to old products. Today’s food processors were yesterday’s blenders. Ladies 50 years ago had breast implants too, only they were made of Kleenex®, not silicone. Much safer, too.

Martha Stewart has made millions decorating the house, fixing organic meals, making quilts and being a housekeeper. Mom and grandma did all these things — and better, too, I might add — but they never got a standing ovation, a book contract or a dime in royalties.

What’s the fuss over plastic discs called DVDs that play back music when put in a machine? Old vinyl 78s and 45s would do the same thing. Today’s youth have anti-music in the form of rap, whereas we had disco. The current rage among youngsters is animated creatures and live action figures. Nothing new here. Ever hear of Mickey Mouse and Mr. Potato Head?

Children and their parents are spending a small fortune on video games that allow them to pretend they are shooting pool, flying a plane, going bowling, or gambling in a Las Vegas casino. I fondly remember an age when people had enough money, energy and time to do these things for real.

Drivers think they’re cool, being seen in glorified station wagons called SUVs. I rode in an SUV 30 years ago; it was called an International Travelall. The newest hot car is a VW Beetle. Many of us are not so ancient we can still recall a time when there were so many of them on the road you couldn’t hardly drive without squashing a Bug.

Today’s rage is buying stuff on-line or out of catalogs. Ranch wives have done that for years. Single folks are all hot and bothered about computer dating where you can pick a mate sight unseen. Your great-grandpa may have done the same thing.

New fashion trends? Forget it. Skimpy bathing suits are as old as Tarzan. I grew up wearing ripped jeans. And guys wore earrings long before media stars and athletes made them cool. They were called pirates.