Jan 5, 2002

A 40-year-old male locked himself in a bathroom stall at City Market and was discovered sitting on a toilet asleep. He had done the same thing the night before, store employees said.

• Graffiti is not an unheard-of occurrence, but the mysterious green-stenciled graffito reading "senare" was a new one for the employees at Frontier Internet. Clean-up costs were $15.

MCHS was not spared vandalism, either. A "large number of eggs" and taco sauce were splattered on the exterior of doors of windows and walls. Green ketchup also came into play for these culinary vandals. There were no suspects.

A 19-year-old man was observed in the middle of traffic on Main Street, yelling abusive statements. He said he had been drinking, did not want to go home or to any friends’ homes, but just wanted to go to jail.

Another man also apparently took his frustrations "on the road." A 22-year-old male suspect was reported jumping in front of traffic on the highway, and jumped in front of the responding officer. The man said he had been drinking.

A 20-year-old was arrested on a warrant for sale of drugs. He was discovered hiding under his bed, but told police he had a good case because he only sold to people he knew well.

A highly intoxicated man was arrested for trespassing at City Market. When asked to give his name, he invoked a higher power, claiming his name was "Jesus." When asked for his last name, the man replied, "Christ, you (expletive)."

A 38-year-old male was arrested for DUI, driving with a revoked license and weaving. When asked how much he had been drinking, the man replied, "Enough to get home." He refused a test because, he said, he didn’t want the officer to know how drunk he really was.

• A 29-year-old man agreed to a roadside sobriety test, but when asked to stand on one leg, replied, "I can’t do that. Just arrest me." He was arrested on a variety of charges.

A 31-year-old man was arrested for theft, destroying private property and false reporting, The man stole a wooden bow and arrow from the wall at the Turquoise Best Western and then claimed someone had given it to him. He was identified by a hotel employee who observed the theft.

A man was arrested for DUI after he was stopped for running a red light. When the officer asked if everything was OK, the driver told the passenger, "See, I told you I couldn’t drive."

Graffiti was spray-painted in the skate park. It read: 1. BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PARKS AND REC DIVISION (GRAFFITI CHAPTER). 2. WARNING: DEFACEMENT OF ARTWORK PROHIBITED, ALL VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW. 3. SANDBLASTING DAMAGES CONCRETE.

A man was arrested for DUI after he ran a stop sign. When asked for a license, he held up a gold badge that said "special agent" and claimed to be working undercover for a Denver law-enforcement agency.

A 19-year-old man who had "only had a couple quarts of beer" was arrested for criminal trespass and underage consumption after he was caught entering and attempting to start a car that did not belong to him.

• A community host requested help for two men seen drinking beer in the city park. The men threatened to beat the host up and were subsequently arrested.

A man was arrested for DUI after being warned not to drive. He was first contacted at a restaurant and told the officer he would call a friend to come pick him up. Instead, he drove away, and was contacted by the same officer. He refused the opportunity to take tests, stating, "No, you caught me."

Four men were cited for drug possession after an officer contacted them in a parked vehicle. When the officer approached the car and the suspects rolled down the windows, heavy smoke rolled out.

An employee at the golf course ran over an explosive device while mowing the course. The device, thought to be used to scare geese away, exploded and caused a smoke ring. Both man and geese were spared injury.

A man was arrested for DUI. He refused roadside sobriety maneuvers because he "didn’t want to embarrass" himself.

Crime doesn’t pay, especially when you claim to be doing the victim a favor. An intoxicated man was accused of eating a bag of chips at Wal-Mart without paying for them. The suspect then told police he was a security guard from Durango and was there to make sure no one was stealing anything.

Oct. 8:

Three young adults were cited for trespassing at Kemper Elementary after being found "hiding" on the roof. Perhaps they should have tried the basement?

• Friendly competition went out the window for one taxidermist, who was accused of threatening to "beat the (expletive) hell out of" a second taxidermist. The suspect was reportedly angry because the other man had taken away some of his customers.

• A woman reported she had lost a gold necklace from her purse. The suspect? Her sticky-pawed pooch, which may have found the necklace wrapped in tissue and dragged it into the backyard.

A woman reported her 23-year-old boyfriend had stolen her car and driven to Washington. He left a note saying he "had taken the car and would see how far he could get on his love."

A woman was arrested for DUI and possession of marijuana after she was stopped for weaving. The woman said she’d had two drinks, but her balance was so poor during a roadside sobriety test, the officer asked her to stop the maneuvers for her own safety.

Someone abandoned a green canoe on the front lawn of the sheriff’s office. It will be disposed of if not claimed.

A 38-year-old woman was arrested for criminal impersonation and possession of drug paraphernalia following a report of a woman screaming for help. The woman gave the officer a license that stated she was 21. The officer questioned her because she appeared to be much older. The woman replied, "OK, I’m 22." The ID, it turned out, had been reported stolen in Denver.

A man was arrested after he nearly hit an oncoming patrol car on a county road. The man reportedly jumped from the driver’s seat and into the passenger’s seat, then told the officer the driver had taken off running.

A man reported a loud disturbance at his neighbor’s home. The neighbor’s son was having a party and said that people were screaming because a bull was in the driveway and leaning against cars.

In addition to higher-ticket items, an unknown but practical-minded individual ab-sconded with several rolls of toilet paper from a private home.

A woman was arrested for disorderly conduct after she refused to turn down her music. Deputies arrived twice and the second time, the woman refused to open the door, saying she was "naked and having sex, so go away."

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